Thank you for your patience with my blog and my lack of posts lately. I have been out of action on here for 2 months, so I wanted to give you all a quick update…
My household had been unwell with the cold and flu season in full flight. I am grateful because the recent COVID outbreak caused another lockdown in our area, but we are all safe and healthy. We celebrated my darling Almond’s birthday, and my nephew got married; they were both exciting events for my household. I also competed in my first individual sporting event, which I had not done in 15 years, so it was like overcoming a fear of mine, which was an enjoyable experience.
It is now time to be real with you all because it is time to heal ...
I mentioned in a few other posts on here that there has been a family matter weighing on my heart. I can tell you that it has truly broken me this past month, and I felt that I have had to take a step back because it has been 3 years in the making. I believe God has used this time to allow me the space to heal and for him to speak into my life about my need to people please being at the core of my hurt and pain. God reminded me that I need to fear him and not continually fear what people think of me.
In full transparency, I can remember that it is something that I have always struggled with since i was 14 years old. I participated in team sports at a competitive level where I needed to impress selectors, coaches and teammates if I was to be included in a specific team environment. I actually needed to care what they thought about me because it determined if I would be part of a team, make it on the field, get particular positions and be passed the ball in certain situations. In my case, I went through local, regional, state, and national levels to compete internationally, which requires an enormous amount of peoples opinions on who I am, my strengths and weaknesses on full display for them to critique and decide if I am good enough or not.
And I feel as though it transferred into my personal world with people I love, and when they are not happy with me, it deeply affects me. My immediate reaction would be to make them happy, which became really unhealthy and depressing. I have only had three significant moments in my life where I have been betrayed by people I love dearly who have been dishonest about me in serious situations because they have tried to cover up their behaviour. It has taken God to heal my heart and time out from those relationships to be restored. The most recent one has been the toughest of them all because it affects Almond too.
In the past 3 years, I have tried to people please a particular loved one, and I have been justifying it by saying that I am glorifying God’s kingdom in the bid for their salvation by demonstrating the fruit of the spirit towards them regarding their situation. And let me tell you, it has been a spiritual warfare, and it has recently got to a point where I have had to tell them not to contact me. I think the last time I told someone not to contact me was when I was a teenager, which feels like a lifetime ago. I cried to Almond and did an ugly cry out to God that I had enough, and God gave me a supernatural peace about the situation. God reminded me that he is in control, and I have to trust his plan for this situation. I believe God is using this extremely challenging situation to unleash extraordinary healing and freedom in this area of my life.
I cannot care anymore what they think of me and how they are trying to defame my character by telling other love ones lies about me to cover up their situation because that gives the enemy more power. I have to continually forgive them for the way they have have made life extra challenging for Almond and I the last three years because of their inability to take accountability.
It will strengthen me to persevere; even though it sucks right now, it will make me even more resilient in life. It is definitely too raw to unpack in a journal or go into specific details, and I need wisdom in navigating all of this. Still, I know with all my heart that God is faithful, and he will vindicate me through all of this because he has done it before on both occasions, and he will do it a third time. Ultimately, he will will deal with it, and I will heal from it because God is my healer, my strength and my saviour who i depend on everyday! Amen
Love G x